We had been casually seeing each other for a few months, when she realized she had developed jealousy. She had a moment, she said, when she thought I was with another woman. And her reaction to it revealed her feelings to herself. We had met-up for sex only 5 or 6 times in the last few months; but when we did, it was incredible. The chemistry was natural, and the conversations that flowed after the sex were natural too. She said there was also a moment when I told her that I will never demand her attention, she’s free to give it to me if and when she wants to– but I wouldn’t become upset if she didn’t respond. In the beginning, sometimes, it would take her days to respond; and that was okay with me. It was casual sex, with no pressure for anything more.
She recently realized she has feelings for me, and she recently found out that a woman that I cared a lot about a few years ago is living in this house now. She said she read a few poems about her. She said that she has to ‘rip the bandaid off’, and stop seeing me now. She said I should be proud, a man hasn’t made her want to commit in a long time; and only two other men ever have. She said she was moving away in a year anyways.
I told her I wrote a few poems about her too, but mostly, I sat there with my chin in my palm, holding my head up, as I stared off into the distance. She said not to look at her like she was a hurt puppy. I told her that absolutely wasn’t how I was looking at her. I chugged my beer. She kept apologizing for her cheeks turning red. She was very flustered, she said. She said she will see me again at our friend's wedding in 6 months, and if I am still single, I will have to have wedding sex with her. I told her I would like that. (That wedding is going to be a shitshow for me, but that’s a whole nother story.) Sometimes, after she would say something, I’d just stare off in silence; contemplating my current life choices. She’d nervously try to fill the silence. It hurt. All of it hurt so deeply. She didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve it either, but she really didn’t. I took a shot of tequila and didn’t feel it go down. I stared off into the distance.
‘You’re a great guy, you know it, don’t you?’
‘I don’t feel like one.’
I let her go
Like yesterday's snow
Beautiful
And always
Fleeling
I let her go
But the hole
In the soul
Will always remain
The doubts
That ricoshay
Behind the eyes
Like brakes that scream at you
As you slam into them
To avoid sliding on the ice
Into the van full of kids
And a single mom
I’ll always wonder
If I was wrong for this
I guess we’ll find out
If I am strong enough for this
Letting her go
Was not the show
I wanted to watch
But the play never stops
And the channel cannot be changed
My puppets in my cave
Dance
And pretend to be
Happy
They don’t know
That I let her go
One down
And now
One more to go
This next one
Will gently
Kill me
She’s an angel
Whos been hurt
So many times before
She doesn’t deserve it…
But this is what I get
For having girlfriends
While having her in my home
Gradually
Rolling all alone
Down
Down
Down
To the bottom
All while my insides feel
Rotten
This is the play that I chose
And I must sit back
And watch it all unfold
Even if it is
All alone
A lonely
Rolling
Stone
Plops into some water
At the bottom
Of the cave
In the deepest darkest
Abyss
‘Swim.’
A voice softly calls out to me from the cave walls
‘Swim in the darkness
And become
The artist.’
I tread the water
In the darkness
And look up
To the subtle light
Dimly shining
So far away from me
And try to swim.
-C.H.
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